Eileen Doniego de France

It’s 2015, the year of the ram, and I’m finally posting again! Happy New Year friends! Time for some self-reflection! LOLOLOL

Since becoming 30 I have come to several realizations – but to be quite honest, I always come up with realizations. I am an introspective person and self-proclaimed (and characteristically described) over-thinker. People have told me that age is nothing but a number, and that finding yourself comes at a later age (unless you are fabled prodigy). I think my friends forget I have an old soul, and have long known that though age is nothing but a number, your measure of physical and mental health attribute to the age you feel – and that finding yourself is a never ending process.

The subject of “finding yourself” is one that never seems to go away. It comes up during your formative puberty years, when you graduate high school, when you enter your 20s, and for me – when I turned 30. While turning 30 was a big deal for me (my friends and I like to throw the phrase out in jest because we find it hysterical “That time you blacked out on the floor? You can’t do that anymore, we’re 30 now!” as we proceed to pour fiery liquids down our esophagus’), it seemed to be an even bigger deal to everyone else, particularly to those younger than me.

“How do you feel now that you are 30?”
“The same as I did last week.”

“Just because you’re 30, doesn’t mean you can’t party anymore!”
“I don’t want to party today. There’s a difference.”

“I need to get my life together before I turn 30. Do you feel your life is together?”
“You know what’s great about being 30? I just don’t care about that anymore.”

Sure there are things that have significantly changed, but these were due to a domino effect of lifestyle changes. I begrudgingly picked up a corporate job at 28 because I needed financial stability. I stopped going out every night because it drained my wallet and my energy for the next day at said corporate job. I only go out when I feel like it because I know that my energy is best well spent on things and people I enjoy. I don’t go to bed early, but I certainly don’t scream into the night, raging until the sun peeks through the clouds on a Tuesday – UNLESS I’m on vacation and have given myself ample recovery time so I can return to said corporate job.

I have cleaned up much of my life because I was a hardcore partier and needed a change. I needed to change because I know life changes, and I refuse to allow myself to be stuck in one phase of my life. It wasn’t about getting my life together, it was about not feeling stuck. I think we all know, being stuck in a rut sucks. I cannot say that the current phase of my life is where I would like to be, but it has been a life changing learning process… and yes, I am finding myself. It sounds trite as I type out the words, but it’s all true… and this doesn’t happen just at the age of 30.

When I was in 7th grade, I realized I didn’t want to be like all the other girls who bullied me. I made lifestyle changes, dropped those friends (who likes friends who bully you anyway?) and focused on subjects that interested me instead: music and fashion. In 9th grade, I realized that I was tired of being quiet and meek – so I made lifestyle changes and started talking to EVERYONE. I started telling stories, I got involved in dance, music, yearbook, EVERYTHING. I still had self-esteem issues, but my confidence rose infinitely because I was just so tired of what my life was like at that point, that I needed to make changes.

I know, juvenile experiences, but the list goes on. I go through periods of identity crises all the time, and perhaps it might be some kind of underlying medical condition – but I’ve always chopped it up to life. This is how life works.

So my realization based on my experiences, is one that I hold for myself, because I know I can’t preach it to others if they haven’t learned it themselves. I want to say life isn’t about being bound by a timeline and finding yourself at a certain age, but this was something I both inherently knew and live through myself. I continue to learn and grow and stupidly over-think every day. And judging by my conversations with my younger friends, who argue with me that you must find yourself in order to become successful, I know my words will fall on deaf ears because it is a lesson that can’t just be pushed onto another. But I do hope that in writing this post, it will pop up into someone’s Google search for “finding yourself,” and maybe, just maybe, they’ll find some sort of comfort in my words. You don’t have to stress yourself out over your identity. Your identity is something you continue to build.

Alright – enough of my babbling. I hope you’ve all had a great start to your year thus far! I feel like mine is just beginning! Perhaps it is my Asian side that has really latched onto the Lunar New Year! Or I’m just absolutely insane – you decide LOL

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